Thursday 4 April
THE FRIDGE OF PROCRASTINATION
Although I dodged the chocolate overwhelm bullet over Easter, I got caught by another one…. the fridge of procrastination. No one told me how real the fridge of procrastination is – or how powerful a magnet it is has become to avoiding the task of telling a story. I excuse myself and rationalise the constant grazing by the following:
- My metabolism has sped up – this is the way I eat now
- I’m having soup for dinner – that’s it
- It’s all healthy food – just lots of it
- You are hungry or you wouldn’t feel like eating – so it’s ok
Look – I’m adapting to a new routine and headspace and I guess my challenge is to be in control of that a little more. OtherwiseI’ll be gaining kgs and having to increase my boot camp training from 3 to 5 a week.
THE BUSINESS END OF WRITING NEEDS TO HAPPEN
The writing of a book is a business venture just as much as it is a creative one. I worked over Easter in between visits to the fridge to have a my business plan, brand and concept ready to present to a trio of trusted fellow businesswomen, who were rewarded with baked goods made by my very own hand (thanks Lynda, Kate and Catherine for giving me your Easter Monday morning). Today I address the issue of finances and funding with my accountant. I’m putting as much – if not MORE time at the moment into the planning stages of this project than that actual writing. At the end of the day there’s no use having a great story on page – if you can’t afford to produce it or take it to market and sell copies.
This is really a DREAM of mine – and it is exciting that I’m trying to make it real. There is a LOT of wobbling that goes on and like anything in life I guess, there are really no guarantees of either success or failure – you just have to put your head down, silence the fears and get on with it.
THIS WEEK WAS MADE FOR WRITING
Oh yes it is! It’s a short, miserable and rainy week! Perfect writing weather… with scones and tea and soup. However – the best laid plans…………
I was all set to give yesterday a good go with writing. I wanted to get 2-3 stories from the diary down on page. Then, there was a spontaneous first meeting/chat with another one of those awesome people who have JUST achieved publication ( thanks for your wisdom Johanna) and then a quick medical appointment – and then I’d be back at it.
ALAS – NO.
A SCALPEL IN THE WORKS
I made an appointment with a Skin Cancer surgeon nearby to look at a very large lipoma ( fatty lump) that had been growing in my arm for years. So many years I can’t even remember – but it’s at least 9 years from when I noticed it. The lump was the size of a golf ball.
It’s a great “gross out” party trick for people who say “WHAT is that on your arm?” I’m always making people touch it… ( shudder). I’m going to have to find a new trick……….anyway……….
This doctor had been referred for his neat and tidy work. He took a look, had a quick prod and said “yep, lipoma – will need to cut it out.”
I had expected this. I have a few uncles who are doctors who explained it’s just a slice and pop-out situation – nothing major.
I said “ok – where do you do that?” He pointed to the other room.
I said “ when can you do it then?” and he said “ I can do it now if you like – I just have to see one patient – then I can do it.”
I said “ eeeeeeeer.. OK, no time like now – let’s do it.”
Well, we could have made a time for another day – but I didn’t see the point in waiting. My mind though wasn’t prepared – which is probably a good thing. I certainly knew that it wasn’t going to be a simple cut and pop out. This thing –this lump had been growing in my arm for MANY years. The doctor said it was likely that there were lots of little babies around the main lump.
I told him I was a complete chicken when it comes to stuff like this – and he prepped for the procedure (but didn’t gown up or anything). I was freaking out – I don’t like needles, and when cutting occurs, I’d prefer to be “out to it”. However, this was an in-rooms procedure with anesthetic.
I have reason to be needle-phobic and wary:
- When I was 10, I had to have 8 teeth removed in preparation for braces. They did 2 extractions each week – for 4 weeks. Arruughhhh.
- My father was an acupuncturist – and when he occasionally “needled” me – it would hurt like hell, they would get stuck and need to be wrenched out or make me bleed ( hmmm, this is not normal.)
- I watched my mother have chemo for a few years, until her veins collapsed – so that whole treatment just terrifies me.
- 10 years ago I had laser eye surgery -which is done while you’re awake. I doesn’t hurt but is so freakin’ freaky. The lesson there was – take ALL the Valium they give you – not just half!
- I’ve had numerous needle biopsy procedures on my breasts including a very painful fibroidadenoma, which was eventually cut out of me under general. Biopsies are not gentle. They basically stab you repeatedly with a longish needle. It certainly is not gentle. This lipoma on my arm also had the jab.
I am a chicken – and I tell them that up front.
He cut it open and the nurse said “OH MY – that IS impressive!” The nurse had stopped talking to me and was just watching the surgery.
I said ” Hey – you need to talk to me. You need to distract me – please talk to me!” But she was in a kind of trance.
He started to snip, snip, snip – and snip, snip, snip – and it seemed like forever! He was telling me there were a lot of little babies on the top – which he removed first. When he got to the main one – he had to dig – down, down, down.
“ How far along are you”? I asked.
“ Almost 50%” he said. “ it’s really deep these roots – I didn’t expect it to be this deep!”
I was starting to freak out a bit – I could feel that he was going really deep.
“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT – we’ve been going for 15 minutes already! This was no cut and pop-out situation. This is full-on! This is major surgery. Is this brave or stupid, BRAVE OR STUPID?”
I was lying half off the bed by now and my legs were going up and down – like I was trying to air-cycle my way off the bed and out of there. Only problem was – he had my arm open and was still snip, snip, snipping.
“When are you going to stop – when you hit bone??” I actually asked if he could stop and if he had to get all of it/ them out. He said he had to get it all and he was working on the “big tumor”.
Because he was so deep in my arm – the aesthetic wasn’t really working down in the deep parts. So I could hear it, feel it and occasionally it hurt – and I was freaking out with the occasional yelp. He wanted me to look at it so he could show me why he had to go so deep and there was NO WAY I was doing that. When the big one finally came out – he showed it to me before putting it with the babies to be sent off to Pathology.
Here’s a pic for you sickos – don’t look at it if you are grossed out easily ( it is fascinating though) . When you consider it is coming out of my forearm – it’s SOOO MUCH!
It took 45 minutes.
I should have a 2 1/2cm scar and my arm may be concave for a while. I have the sound and sensation of digging and snipping in my head..
I chose this guy for his reputation for being neat and tidy…… I hope so.
I have drugs and will be taking it easy for the next few – and will try to get those sounds out of my head…….and I’m expecting EPIC BRUISING!
THE MORAL TO THE STORY
- I had left this problem way too long because I was quite frankly, scared shitless. If I had have had it out years ago – it would have been a cut and pop out situation. Leaving it – I made it much worse. I take the lesson of “nipping it in the bud”.
- Seizing the moment. Brave or stupid? Well, I had only 10 minutes of freak-out time rather than days to think about it and to change my mind. I wasn’t prepared though, on many other levels yet was able to cope with all of that after.
- My family all love gore and gruesome detail….. so it’s genetic then.
I should be resting my arm – but I’m typing/ writing – maybe not my book – a different story – but I’m still writing and it counts.
This week – I’m on my writing retreat #2 – and heading up to the Blue Mountains. I’ll be staying at Chateau Jo and sitting on her cats, while she comes to Chateau Le Moet to do the same for me. GOOD DEAL I say!
